Now, I have a close, intimate relationship with alcohol. Me and it are amazing fuck buddys, one whom I tend to see every day, apart from Sundays and Thursdays. Sometimes on Sunday. Whatever. I am talking about this as I have had a breakthrough. Alcohol, in excess, isn't that great. I had no idea. There should be some sort of advert telling everyone about this, except without that RoboCop guy that just makes me think about RoboCop. So I drink to forget about RoboCop.
There are several side-effects to consuming alcohol:
NUMBER ONE: LOSS OF SPEECH CENSORSHIP
Loss of censoring your speech leads to general embarrassment/harassment. Here are a few examples of what can be said when intoxicated (all true and from me):
- This club is as empty as a Muslim's vagina!
- Hello, Mr Taxi Driver! Now, Mr Taxi Driver take me to this club! Have you got a card? No? Disappointing, Mr Taxi Driver!
- I hope your vagina is as small as your tits.
- Maybe I'll regenerate, like Buddhists or those ones with the orange Voldemort cloaks.
- Is your boyfriend bigger than me? Like, yno, BIGGER?
- My friend is in the IRA or Real Madrid. One or the other.
- I have met Mr Blobby, he touched me and then bought me a kebab.
- What is the strongest alcohol you have here? I'll take that, Mr McIntyre! See you on the Roadshow!
- Are we human or are we wankers?!
I fell up some club stairs and then tripped on a toga. Danced like an epileptic at a rave next to a dying sun on speed. Yeah. Tripping over an open door. Tripping over a closed door. The loss of all control is a very scary thought, this also applies to the speech point. Everything that was once your kingdom is now sort fo equal and has a fair share in what happens in your movement. And you get kicked out of clubs.
NUMBER THREE: LOSS OF THE ABILITY TO EJACULATE
Self-explanatory.
NUMBER FOUR: LOSS OF HYDRATION
"More water, please! Or vodka..."
It leads to ill health the next day. Absolutely awful. Also leads to:
NUMBER FIVE: CHUNDER
Self-explanatory
NUMBER SIX: GENERAL DICKISHNESS
Story time, ladies and gentlemen, of last Friday night. At a flat pre-drinking before some school fancy dress night. I managed to wolf down three cans of Strongbow and a mate had one, because he's a git who didn't bring any. By then, I was pretty tipsy. Despite being made out of the souls of undead orphans and piss, Strongbow does the job. I managed to make a few sexist remarks on the cusp and talk about how fat I am. General dickishness.
Then, it was off to the pub, where pitchers of Strongbow were only six quid. Bang. In there. Drank that and made myself drunker. Attempted to play pool and lost, but not by a large margin, there was some damage limitation. 15-Love, life. Shots. Call a taxi and ignore the girl I've slept with. Even though she's a bitch and wants us to be together forever and keeps spreading the fact that we slept together. Whatever. Slapped a girl's arse. I didn't know her name, turns out I did. General dickishness.
Got a taxi with Mr Taxi Driver. Yeah, him. £2 each. Bargain, yet I argued until I was dragged out of the taxi. Wahoo. Queued up in the line and asked the bouncer whether there was a union and if I could be initiated. Nearly ended with none of us getting into the club. And I tripped up the steps. General dickishness.
Free entry, therefore...vodka. And alcopops. That's the only thing they sell in clubs. We see a girl who's birthday it is and the rest of her party. The party we decided not to go to.
"It's her, man."
"Oh yeah...let's go say hi!"
General dickishness.
So on and so forth. Got a picture taken and the woman said she was moving onto a different club, so I called her a camera slut. G.D.
CONCLUSION
All of these things involve losing something. Be careful when out with your friends and drinking, I say this to my one follower (official follower anyway). Stay safe, now you know.
Do not drink. Unless it's a Sunday.
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